Friday, October 30, 2009

If it wasn' is now!


For those not in the know, this is the lovely Audrina Partridge, from MTV's The Hills.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Blow Out

(World Painted Blood has leaked)

M: SLAYER Frontman Blows Out Voice Prior To Melbourne Concert; Show Goes On - olllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllld man araya

J: tom obv tried to sing antichrist from SNM and blew his voice.
awesome :D

M: i know, LULZ all round. so much for all those people who go on about slayer still kicking ass :D

J: yeah, their mighty singer can't fucking sing.

M: :D

J: srsly, it's a cop out that they've pulled this, tom can still play bass - kerry or jeff should sing, it's not that hard to sing slayer songs!
andreas sung for sepultura when max pulled out of a gig, fuck these pussies!

M: true dat, or get help - jonathan davis didn't play with korn and they just got loads of other people to help - i'm sure there must have been someone there that could have done it. all you have to do is shout angel of death over and over again and no-one would notice the difference

J: kerry could have sung, since all he does is boring rhythm, it would have made the gig special, but instead they pussied out
fuck slayer

M: also true, i love the fact that i saw korn with all the different people (even if it does mean i've never seen a complete korn line up) and i'd cut off my leg to have seen joey play drums for metallica!

J: james never pussied out when he couldn't play guitar :)

M: and he'd been set on fire :O

Saturday, October 24, 2009


A quick youtube search shows me that Warren Zevon's song Carmelita is a pretty popular one to cover.

One of the most notorious musicians to try their hand at it was GG Allin:

When I first played this song at J's house, I never knew GG had done a cover of it and was pretty surprised J knew the song at all. Here's my version:

Sadly, despite all the different versions on youtube, I can't seem to find the original. To this day I've not heard it, I know it from years ago off some old Counting Crows bootleg.

Saturday Porn Slot

After...not very many weeks at all of this feature, I'll admit that it's getting harder and harder to fill. I guess it's like my friend P said: if people can play and they're really hot, they just join the regular music industry and make a shitload of cash. Metal is often the music for outsiders, for the ones that never fit in - not the beautful people.

However there's hope for us all yet. I still have a few hotties up my sleeve...

This one's another that's hot and can play. True, he's in a shit band now, but the Sepultura that recorded Arise fucking ruled. And I'm not alone in thinking Andreas Rudolph Kisser not only has a hilarious name, but is hot:

The ladies just can't keep away.

Look at him go!

He's my very favourite beardy Brazilian (ha!) and was mighty fine back in the day.

Also, props to him for playing in this band:

Had Gary Holt stayed with the band...I dunno, I don't think you can get better than Jason Newsted, Gary Holt and Andreas Kisser being in one band!!!

Now to be fair, in their time, Sepultura was a pretty hot group overall...

...but when you think about what Max and Igor have somehow turned'll see why it's Andreas that gets this spot today:

There are no words.

The Legacy

J: MUSTAINE: Seems Like BLABBERMOUTH & ROADRUNNER Are Only People Who Don't Like Me Or MEGADETH - shut up, dave!

M: srsly. he's embarassing himself and everyone else, he's only going to isolate himself from the bbmouth/roadrunner people - who like i said last night, are the only people that care in this much detail about him...soon enough there'll only be people who've never heard of this debacle, or the people who have, who hate him :/

J: yeah, srsly, he really is making himself look like a chump. blabbermouth is the most read metal news on the net, though people make rude comments on their all the time, it's the whole internet tough guy thing, because they have a screen to hide behind, it's not like they'd say that to dave's face! it's just their outlet to say that dave's acting like a twat about the whole thing - every one can see that - apart from him

M: and instead of realising these are the only people that care about metal enough to read about it all the time, and thus the people he should go some way to ingratiating himself towards - he makes them hate him more and more!

>internet tough guy
maybe someone should tell him about this - they don't mean it, its just internet speak for them being unhappy about it, you're right

J: dave should just stfu and enjoy his holiday coffee :)


J: i wonder if his daughter'll be as annoying as him...

M: i imagine so, i bet she's one of them pushy celebrity kids - she's already done tv and stuff. and she's called electra :/ (dunno if dave knows it, but in psychology terms, electra is the female version of oedipus...)

J: she's gonna be the 14 year old attention whore that dave already is, except she's female, which makes it over 9000 times worse!

M: LOL i bet you, when she's a bit older, she's gonna get interviews about how her dad used to be in metallica - we have another 80 years of this shit, it's just gonna continue through the generations XO

J: yeah, true that, she might take over his legacy of moaning about it.... oh god ;O

M: srsly, i reckon that's so gonna happen - first time she gets interviewed by anyone who has a clue about metal - she's gonna get asked about it. if she's sensible, she'll tell them to fuck off - but i bet it'll start a whole new legacy of whining, her and the hetfield kids together (or not, as the case may be)

J: you never hear about the hetfield kids :)

M: there's a couple youtube clips where he gets his girl up on stage - they sing her happy birthday one time....but apart from that, no. i don't think they're now minor celebrities in their own right like dave's kid - they're growing up in secrecy behind that giant wall he built (james, not dave) :)

J: yah, that fucking wall :)
whereas dave's kid is a child presenter for some kids tv network :D

M: exactly XO

J: aren't james' kids called something weird, like hercules, or is that
his middle name :?

M: it's cicero or something roman ish.

> Cali (June 13, 1998), Castor (May 18, 2000), and Marcella (January 17, 2002).
wiki solves it all :) castor is def roman*. well, his name is, not the kid haha.

J: Castor, that was the one....
Virgil is his dad, that i think is who i was thinking of :) i knew it was the name of one of the Thunderbird characters :)

M: yeah, that's the one :) james' middle name is ALAN :D

*Continuing my rants about all things Roman - all the Hetfield children have Roman names, probably because of James Hetfield's father's name - Virgil. The name Marcella means 'dedicated to the god Mars'. The name Cali is from the name Calista, which was common amongst Greeks and Romans. Castor was another common name - one of the Gemini, Castor and Pollux, Castor was also the god of the Praetorian Guard. The son of Tiberius was nicknamed Castor for this reason.

Friday, October 23, 2009

mihi non placet.....

Although I don't think I've mentioned it on here before, I make no secret of the fact that I'm a total nerd for the Romans. It's pretty much my favourite subject and I've always wondered why Rome doesn't turn up in metal subject matter more often. Greek mythology is everywhere: Symphony X's The Odyssey, Iron Maiden's Flight of Icarus and Manowar's Achilles, Agony and Ecstasy to name but a few.

Which is why, when I first read about Ex Deo, it was with a certain amount of curiosity and anticipation - here was the possibility that someone might blend my favourite music, metal, with my favourite subject area, Rome.

The disappointment is thus crushing. They suck. They really suck, their music SUCKS. It doesn't sound any different to any other generic death metal-lite band that I don't want to hear. The guitars are muddy, the synth only goes further to destroying the guitar sound and the vocals are really, really fucking horrible. The solos are weirdly paced (too slow) and mis-placed (they just don't seem to fit in the right places) and the drums have some very strange tones. It's embarassing.

Not wanting to put a downer on the whole thing: lyrically, I think they're getting there. Apart from over-hyping the Battle of Actium (although I suppose that's what Augustus always wanted), they get some nice lines in. Massive points for fitting "circumvallation" into a song and including lyrics in Latin (now that's what I'm talking about!).

However, why stick to the obvious stuff? I know Julius Caesar is famous, but wouldn't Hannibal and Scipio make for more brutal subject matter? Or the Aeneid for some extreme epic? Or the achievements of Pompey, Vespasian or Trajan? Of Marius or Sulla? There's more to Rome than Antony and Cleopatra, believe it or not.

J will probably say I'm being too high brow about it. But it seems to me that if you're going so far as to make a Rome-themed metal band, you should do it properly and do it justice.

You might notice that the Metal Archives review is a great deal more generous towards this band than I. If you look at the reviewer profile however, he's blatantly a twat. His notion that "In the middle ages and during the reign of the Roman Empire, if you lived in Northern Europe and wore long hair, you were a free man, if you had short hair, you were a slave." isn't really true at all. This was the case for early Greek civilisations, but by the 6th or 5th century BC shorter styles were more common.

Even in Classical Greece, "long" wasn't even that long: just look at all the statues of Apollo, Herakles and Zeus. To be honest, whether you had a beard or not was considered much more important.

In the Roman Empire, short hair was particularly favoured - especially in the style popularised by Augustus. Through the middle ages, it really depended on exactly which part of Northern Europe you lived in and on what religion you adhered to.

So bollocks to him and his shitty review :D

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Iron Maiden

J: blabbermouth is back
"Roadrunner Records' entire web site — including BLABBERMOUTH.NET(which is hosted on Roadrunner's servers) — has been down since Saturday afternoon due to some hardware issues. (A major piece of hardware crashed and has to be replaced.)
We are in the process of getting everything up and running again. Check back in the next couple of hours for all the news that you might have missed."

Feeeeeeeds :D

Lost souls in endless time - vol II

Now J tells me that marchives is down.

And because bbmouth isn't working, all the other metal blogs are suspiciously quiet of late...


Lost souls in endless time

Seriously, what the fuck is up with Blabbermouth?

It's been down for fucking TYME.


Monday, October 19, 2009

Into infinite obscurity

M: SATURDAY MORNING DOUBLE FEATURE: THE EXCEPTION THAT PROVES THE RULE - .....Quite simply, The Somberlain and Storm of the Light's Bane are two of the best fucking black metal albums ever made, packed with equal amounts of both demonic hatred and epic, Wagnerian bombast.
these 2 albums DO rule (was listening to one the other day when you came over i think) but i don't like black metal :/ i always forget that these are, they're quite melodic in bits. you know the kind of crap i like ;D

J: yeah, you were listening to them :)
i always think they're a DM band :3

M: me too! always so surprised when people say they're bm :O

J: their name isn't really BM :)

M: yeah, even that's more dm :) and they're from sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeden i think :?

J: they obviously got death threats from euronymous at some point :3

M: the dude in it is a murderer or something anyways :/

J: srsly :/
LOL, that always helps album sales, unless you're in emperor, it just makes you look like a poser fag because you only burned a church or two and the only killer in your band fagged out when arrested :D

M: ooooops :)
ohh, he was accessory to murder, then formed the band, then killed himself :/

J: > self-inflicted gunshot wound inside a circle of lit candles
what a way to go ;O

M: :O
wow thats pretty fucking mental :/
no wonder people assocate them with bm ;D

J: wiki says they're blackened death, dunno what marchives say :)

M: >Melodic Black/Death Metal (early), Melodic Death Metal (later)
yeah not really black metal then :)))

J: it didn't sound like DM when i heard them at yours :)

here tis. umm no, not so much death.....i guess blackened death (maybe more black than death tho?) more along the lines of....i dunno

J: i think the DM comes into the fact it sounds kinda clean. my idea of BM differs to most, but this is pretty polished BM if anything... with melodic bits :)

stuff like this one is 100% melodicy stuff - yeah, it's clean and singy and...yeah, doesn't fit with the death metal sound (although if you changed the vocals it would) but doesn't fit with black either

That was as far as we got in figuring out exactly where Dissection fit into the metal world. What do you guys think? Black metal? Death metal? Blackened death? Deathened black isn't a category, but should we invent it (or one to that effect but with a better name) for this? All of the above?

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Shadows Fail

M: ALL THAT REMAINS Singer Accuses SHADOWS FALL Frontman Of Hitting On His Girl - :D

J: LOL @ arguing in the internet.
take a note from axl, izzy and vince, and just fucking have a fight, no BS

M: internet arguing will only make you look like twats = FACT

J: yeah, they just need to fight IRL :)

M: is that shadows fall dude that wanky dreadlocked dude?

J: i think so, it's all i know about them :)

M: he always wears that green basketball vest thing :)
and they froze my computer once.
i too have now exhausted my knowledge of them :)
oh actually, didn't they play when we went to iron maiden at twickenham? we went to get sweets :D

J: eh, maybe - that proves that they suck :D

M: i kinda think so, to be fair i've never listened to them - i just judge them on that stupid fucking vest :D

J: but i would be willing to put money on the fact that i think they suck

M: me too :)

He's sure it's a chick?

M: Tommy Lee Dating Topless Italian Model Chiara Salvade - :D

J: now, he's sure it's a chick this time? ;)

M: haha :D
have you read the article?
>She told
The Sun: "Tommy Lee has always been my idol, a real sex symbol according with my tastes and I really couldn't believe that I was just talking to him when he added me as a friend. "He told me he was impressed by the photograph I had on my profile and wanted to get to know each other. "He asked where I was from and what my occupation was."

J: i never read it, but that's joke :D
LOL @ ASL :D :D :D

M: i know :)))))) brilliant. i bet she likes him more than he likes her, i reckon he just thinks of her as a cheap fuck.
i heart tommy lee and pamela anderson*, to me it'll always be them two :D

*I had to put in the link - I was afraid people might not see the picture and think I meant Pamela Anderson the philosopher

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Saturday Porn Slot

This one's a bit of a no-brainer:

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that would be happy to stare at pictures of ChthoniC's bassist Doris Yeh allllll day.

We're going to see them play at the Garage on the 31st...I hope she looks as good in real life. From what Google Images can tell me - oh yes, she is:

I think she does FHM Asia and a couple others; she did a shoot for Revolver a while back too. It's not difficult to see why she'd be in demand. I'm no lesbian, but that is one fucking hot chick.

Friday, October 16, 2009

PJ & Duncan

M: NIGHTWISH Singer ANETTE OLZON Featured On New THE RASMUS Single - well now there's something to be proud of!

J: i thought the rasmus had split up... lolololol

M: i figured they had too :D

J: the rasmus are LAMEEE!

M: i liked one of their albums ;O

J: !! :O :O :O

M: :D i have it on cassette! i don't think of it as a metal album tho, kinda forget about them in that know i like pop music, it had some fun songs on it :D

J: the rasmus though...... ugh ;O

M: the singer looks like a photoshopped ant and dec merged together:


J: O_O
it's true ;O

Monday, October 12, 2009

Really fucking lazy/Metallica medley

Okay so I didn't get round to last week's Saturday Porn Slot. I honestly think it was somewhat short-sighted of me to plan a regular feature on a Saturday...

I could turn this into Monday masturbation mayhem, but I really can't be fucked with that.

However; for your aural arousal, how about my latest cover attempt?

See now that's not lazy. Two at once! Look at me go.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


Blabbermouth has just posted that Mike Alexander, the bass player for Evile, died yesterday. He was only 32 and the band were really starting to take off - it's just so fucking sad. Thoughts go out to his family and the band.

Years ago, I dated a drummer and the lead singer of their band died, just after they'd had a run of wicked gigs. It was really tough for the guys in the band he left behind, but they were also glad that they'd been able to share the time with him doing what they all loved best. I know they look back and remember all the gigs, rehearsals and crazy nights out as some of the best times they ever had, made all the more special by the memories of K being with them.

So put on an Evile record tonight and put your good thoughts out into the universe for them. These can be tough fucking times.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Time machines are for the pursuit of thrash

(Originally sent 6th march 2008)

M: wish we had nights like that here

J: If we did it'd be full of cunts :) there's a vid on youtube of some dudes dancing to nuclear assault at rock city, i think, from 89. It's pretty cool :)

M: i wish we had a time machine :D*

J: so do i. I'd go and see gg :) :) :)

M: no, thrash! times machines are for the pursuit of thrash!!!
i might get that tattooed somewhere :D

J: I'd rather go back and save el duce. Real man's music

M: nooooooooo its all about thrash

J: You'll be wanting an armless denim jacket next

M: umm no.

*This was before we had even heard of Metal Inquisition** or their time machine. But I'm pretty sure that considering the state of music today, there's a lot of us out there who've dreamt about developing a time machine simply to go and see awesome gigs to hang out at L'amour or with the Old Bridge Militia or whatever...

**I'd provide a kindly link but their stupid site killed the browser window. Also, you all fucking know who they are; they don't need my help (or want it, I imagine)

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Fun with Jizaaaaaaahn

J sent me these last night. He just can't help himself!

:D :D :D

Guys I'd go gay for

Is this not one of the strangest reviews?

Guys I'd Go Gay For - Part I - 86%

Written by OzzyApu on December 2nd, 2007

Dan Swanö

The minimal talk relating to Edge Of Sanity led me to listen to their first three albums, which weren’t too memorable overall. However, it only took the first track of Purgatory Afterglow to give me a raging boner. Either due to the fact that I was watching porn or had a picture of Swanö up, the fact remains clear – Purgatory Afterglow holds some damn fine material.

Now I’m not gay or anything, but Swanö has two things going for him: his manliness and his vocals. Aside from the stellar production job (improving greatly off of The Spectral Sorrows), Swanö issues more clean singing and growling, none of which hampers the music. While Edge Of Sanity remain a death metal band at heart, the album leans more progressively than the previous ones, and we can only blame Dan for such a move. Compared to the other releases, Purgatory Afterglow actually sounds much more diverse and full of substance, so expect tracks ranging from heavy, catchy, tranquil, and thrashy - all supplied by lyrical depth of some sort concerning fantasy, inner emotions, our damned world, and at least once on every album, Jesus.

All in all, the guitarists definitely stepped their game up, because the rhythm and lead work became fifty billion times more filthy and infectious than before. The riffs throughout all the songs have some sort of evil, buzzy, melodic distortion and flow to them that isn’t too repetitive or typical, giving us that cool, progressive vibe. Solos do not appear on every track, which isn’t anything to bicker about, since despite the track lengths, all the members can keep you interested in every way possible… listening wise that is…

Drumming stays in pace with the rhythm of the song, so nothing special usually comes out of it. Don’t fret though, since technicality isn’t necessary if the drums qualify as relentless and precise. The worst possible job in the field of this album would be from the bass. Unless a bass booster exists and works while you listen to this, you’ll have to stick your ears up to your speakers if you want to hear them. The bass clearly does add a bit of fresh heaviness to the entire album, which would have been a thin distortionfest without them.

Swanö easily takes my cake for the hottest guy of the group. Presumably twenty-one years old at the time of this release, his vocal work shifts between angelic and semi-demonic, equally attracting men from both worlds. Nothing guttural about the growls, so normally anyone can make out what the stud wants to say. When he goes clean on our asses, Dan’s vocals soothe our souls in a layer of warmth that only my blanket can touch, even in the naughty places.

Not much to say about the rest of his friends, other than they range from average to DO NOT WANT. Nonetheless, the album wins my vote as a top-notch death metal album with tendencies to sway in a way that will attract progressive fans to not the heaviest of extreme albums, but a unique one. A rather unorthodox album, Mr. Swanö, a rather unorthodox album…

How mad is that?!

I'm not complaining though, it is an AWESOME album. Although for some reason I've not mentioned him so far on this blog; Dan Swanö is probably my favourite person in metal, if not in music overall.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Cheese and pineapple, anyone?

Just a little something before I turn off the computer...

I was reading the Metro on my way into town (on the Speed Theory/Mutant/Evile night actually) and happened upon this picture:

Remind you of anyone?

Why, it's Slipknot's Craig Jones! None other than our very own 133 or number 5.

Now I know that both are preceeded by "Pinhead" from the Hellraiser series, but c'mon...


M: IHSAHN Selling His Jackson DK1 on eBay

J: LOL, ihsahn looks like such a douche :D

M: he does indeed!

J: i'd win it, just to smash it up :D

M: :O

J: actually..... i will win it, then smash it up over a copy of X lame emperor album, preferably in the nightside eclipse, post footage online, then offer ihsahn and any other BM wankers outside to fight.

A friend of mine, MP, was at Wacken a few years back and happened to see Ihsahn and Mikael Akerfeldt watching the same band as him. Overjoyed to see two of his heroes right there in real life (and probably more than a little drunk) he stumbled over for a chat.

He enthusiastically tried to shout to Ihsahn, over the noise of the band, that he thought he was "great":

Ihsahn: You think I'm gay?

MP: No, I think you're REALLY GREAT!

Ihsahn: Oh. Well that's okay then.

Summer holiday


i officially want to go to hellfest

what, because sepultura are playing? ;)

M: whatever, i'm actually totally going

J: 99 euros if booked before the end of next month :3

M: yeah thats cheap!

J: would you want to plan that around our holiday?

M: seems like a good idea? I can take the week off before it, so we'll have to think about travelling there ourselves, probably from paris would be the easiest. i can't afford to do more than one festival and i'd go to this one with the small line up they've announced already. to see immortal, behemoth, fucking BLOODBATH and arch enemy just for those 4 would be the equivalent cost

J: 99 euros is 90£ atm, which is so worth it! seriously, that's like a festival ticket 10 years ago uk price.
and weedeater are playing :3

I think J and the occasional P may be the only regular NLTL visitors, but if anyone else is planning on going, let me know :D

Saturday Porn Slot

Continuing the sludgy theme from last week (check out the spiky metal view on things too) today's manzuri material is my favourite, pretty, sorta weird, grubby, kinda crazy looking guy:

It's from Acid Bath that I know him, but Dax Riggs has been improving the overall looks of many a band since the early 90's.

The upside of this particular celebrity crush is that not only is he really fucking easy on the eye, he's made one of my favourite albums! So often it's a case of "nice face - shame about the band", which means Riggs a super rare delight.

Friday, October 2, 2009


I have been full of rancid illness this week, which means few emails between me and J and a complete lack of motivation to post anything whatsoever.

So now, because I feel like it, here's some shit pictures and some shitter updates on the vaguely metal-related things I've been up to recently.

I passed my latin exam with 85/100 - that's not metal, but I do like to tell people about it. Started back at college for the new academic year at a new location and now use Bond Street Station, which appears to have a touch of the kvlt about it:

Can't work out if they're a Burzum fan, a typography fanatic or just a bit goth.

As the nights grow longer, everything's been getting a bit more grim. I've been on a black metal binge lately, reading Lords of Chaos. I was too cheap to buy it and so printed out the PDF: free but makes for inconvenient reading on the tube.

I also drew the Moonblood logo onto my shirt:

Not very exciting, but I was pleased with how it turned out. I had to rip the German flags off the arms so a) people stop accusing me of trying to be hip and b) to stop visitors at work thinking I speak German. I said they were fucking retards, P said it was kind of fair enough. Whatever.

The NHS wants my blood!

I don't think they really want it though, because I had two new piercings done.

It brings the count up to...21. Hardly Elaine Davidson, but sadly I have to remain employable.

After the 'mutilation' as my grandmother likes to call it, I met J and we walked up to see Tankard at the Underworld.

Shit picture, great gig.

Last weekend I went with P and S to see Speed Theory, Mutant and Evile in Islington. Speed Theory I've never heard of, but they were pretty good to watch.

Now I have supposedly seen Mutant before when they supported Municipal Waste downstairs in Islington a while back. I have NO RECOLLECTION of this whatsoever (although I remember watching MW and TH), so I treated it like it was my first time seeing them.

Turned out they were really good fun. P and S moshed away whilst I stood at the front and a wonderful time was had by all. I got some insane bruising on my legs from the front speaker stand:

And here's a really bad picture of the set list:

It's a shame we didn't just leave the gig there and then, because headliners Evile were massively boring. Well executed and technically faultless...but really fucking dull nonetheless. Drunk and disappointed, I spent some time in the ladies', defacing a poster:

So there you have it, one month of craziness in the life of a twenty-something metal-loving Londoner.

(Sense the sarcasm. Life south of the river is slllllllllow).